why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
