is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
