I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
50% drunk capacity currently
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
