If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
