So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is classic penis vs brain.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
