im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
