I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
