The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize