Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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