I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
