Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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