My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
