I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
