Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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