god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
