Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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