my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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