I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
