You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
