I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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