You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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