Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
