remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
