i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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