you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
