Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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