Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
