And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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