I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
