Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
