Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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