So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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