There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
