why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
A+ Viking dick
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