Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
