dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
