She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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