I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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