dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
