I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
