You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
