doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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