If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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