Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
