i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The uberlube is also flammable
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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