Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i believe in u and ur pee
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
