in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
