I didn't shave. On purpose
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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