Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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