Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
