Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
